The 'Fuck It' guide to surviving the quarantine you never asked for
Hi, this is my first blog post, I'm not expecting much from it but, in the year 2021 when the aliens invade like a plague of horny locust this will be one of the first things they read and as a result we will be spared. Until the year 2022 when Satan returns from his sabbatical.
As an expat living in Spain, the lock down hit us earlier than in the UK so I had a little more time to lean into it. Although if I'm honest I've been working from home for the last 6 months anyway, so I'm basically a pyjama wearing ninja at this. If there were awards, I'd be sat comfortably in the middle between hermit and agoraphobe.
I know everything is crazy right now but seriously, is it just me or does it feel like someone in the news corporation has hit the red button? All I'm seeing is fear, panic and hysteria and it seems to be stuck on repeat. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I hit unsubscribe and launched this platform to give me something to do and bring in some much needed humour. After all they say laughter is the best medicine right? I've decided to create an A-Z on how best to survive a quarantine without coming out of it looking like Wilson (If you haven't seen Castaway (really??) watch it now for handy pointers). It's going to be an ongoing project so I'll be adding parts each week. I'll admit that I'm no expert and I've never been in a quarantine before. Although many years ago, I stayed in my friends dad's timeshare in Portugal and it rained so hard that the town practically shut down for the week. We were forced to live off four TV Channels, a weeks worth of pasta, a watermelon & 2 bottles of wine between the 4 of us. It sounds awful but we made it fun. If I learnt anything from that trip it's that you should always buy extra wine and that timeshares are still a thing.
I am a firm believer in not letting the b̶a̶s̶t̶a̶r̶d̶s̶ microbes get you down. Unfortunately with my positive mental attitude comes a negative bank balance and I can see that just like Covid19 it's equally as contagious. The world sneezed and one by one I watched so many talented creatives and small businesses fall like dominoes, into a sick bed of fear, debt and panic. The stage curtain may have fallen on our income but if you've got Gloria Gaynor cued up to wash her hands whilst singing 'I will survive' then the show will still go on. So with all the confidence of an unsolicited dick pic and the rallying cry of Gloria Gayner in our heads, the beacons of defiance were lit and the creatives have come back swinging. Obviously a lot of this is bullshit, but I've been in solitary confinement for over two weeks now so my grasp on anything (other than my upstairs neighbours love of DIY & apology sex) is pretty thin. Think Kate Moss in a house of long mirrors. Also I shouldn't admit to this but whilst contemplating murdering my neighbours it did occur to me that now is the perfect time to commit a murder. There's no one about and you've probably got at least a couple of weeks to cover it up properly, binge watch CSI and get your alibi sorted. No one would even blink if you stockpiled bleach and gloves and bin liners along with 'gardening' supplies. If someone doesn't make a Netflix show or crime novel out of this then I'm going to be seriously disappointed.
I may have massively digressed there but just to clarify I wouldn't actually commit a murder. I'm here to spread happy funny vibes, like the ones I'm seeing all over my instagram feed. Amazing creatives, entertainers and small businesses from all over the world are offering their services from live workshops, online courses and cooking classes to downloadable resources. Many for free, to keep us busy and entertained during this weird time. My aim is to curate that kindness into lists (along with the A-Z guide) so that we can easily access and enjoy as much cool shit as possible whilst also supporting those wonderful beings and their endangered lively hoods. I'm talking Sumatran Tiger meets Bornean Orangutan kind of endangered. Definitely don't google the list of top 10 endangered animals, it makes for a horrible read and you don't need that negativity right now. So If you enjoy any of the resources, especially if they're free, then tag the owner and share the shit out of it. This isn't your school locker room - now isn't the time to be shy. Word on the street is the fastest way to the good place is by purchasing something too, so let's make it rain gratitude.
It's times like these that make it clear that the internet really is a modern day necessity, obviously food and drink still come first, then sex but after that it's definitely the internet. On day 9 when we were starting to settle into a routine, and I was planning the outline for this site the Internet in my town was on fire, literally. Videos of outdoor Internet cables exploding into fires and panicked statuses about the Internet being down, started to dominate my screens. The fear of my internet going down and not being able to connect with anyone was very real. With the way this year has gone so far, the Australian bushfires, The Circle, Megxit, Goop's (sell-out) vagina scented candle, Covid19 & now exploding Internet cables, it's fair to say this shit-show feels biblical. We've had the Old Testament, the New Testament and now I think we're somewhere in the middle of the current testament, only with added budget cuts, so it's hard to be precise. Either way we've got to stick together and fight through this madness. If you've seen the film Bird Box you'll understand when I say that we're all Sandra Bullock right now, blindfold on trying not to look at that evil entity that is 2020 but remain hopeful and make it the fuck to 2021. Hopefully this blog makes it that little bit easier. If not at least it killed some time! I just wanted to say (in a really cool and totally nonchalance but secretly desperate way) that whilst I'm not asking for cash I have added a donation button to the homepage. So if you like what you read or this site has helped you out in some way please consider 'buying me a rum and coke' - I don't drink coffee and I'm not about to pretend I don't spend a bunch of my money on alcohol. Don't you judge me, but also thank you, and I really hope you enjoy the site (and donate *cough* who said that??).
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